Butterfly Effect

Oddly enough after my last post I found this in the drafts section of my blog. I can’t recall why it was never published, re-reading the content reminds me exactly of the day and the emotions I witnessed.
This past Sunday was a day of deep revelation for me. Its interesting how God reveals things to you in time and when your able to understand and accept it. I began the day as any other Sunday for the exception that this Sunday would be special due to my being blessed with some very fashionable threads by an aunt. Deciding to wear a dress excited me mostly because it was my favorite color and I looked excellent in it. There’s not many times when I feel or shall I say I allow myself to wholeheartedly enjoy how I look and what comes from looking good (unfortunately). However, this particular day I looked at myself and said I would own the feeling of beauty that came over me once I was finished getting dressed and prepped for the day.

Interestingly enough perhaps though I felt I was “owning” this feeling inside, my outward appearance didn’t match as I entered my church with my aunt she says, “Hold your head high and walk up straight and be confident you look beautiful!” I thought to myself, “Now why would she say that, she’s never said anything like this before?” I took a quick account of myself in the mirror and noticed my shoulders were slouched, my head was down as I walked, and it shocked me. “Did I always walk this way?” Perhaps on days I wear dresses and skirts I’m not as confident because my silhouette is seemingly exposed.

As praise and worship came to a close my sis in-law came to tell me how she loved my dress and how I looked beautiful. I’m not sure what happened but at that very moment I just lost it. If pretty was a color my tears most definitely rinsed it off my face in that moment. I wasn’t doing the ugly cry (thank God) but weeping nonetheless. I asked myself even through the tears, “Gees what is this about?” It was then that I realized even the times when I had felt “pretty” or that I pulled together a nice look, with all I do and all I’d gone through over the last few years as a wifum (wife/mom(mum) and just life in general I’d stopped allowing myself to feel beautiful and settled for seemingly a ‘come what may’ type of attitude. What surprised me furthermore was if anyone ever asked me if I had a self-esteem issue of any kind at any period of my life the answer would have been a DEFINITIVE no.


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