Au Revoir à Ce Qui Pourrait Etre

I’ve always wanted an older sibling for as long as I can recall, when I was fourteen I found out I actually had an older sibling who I can recall my father, brother, and I visiting but it was seemingly never often enough. I wanted to know him, I wanted to have a relationship with him and tell him things that went on in my life, call him, and he come rescue me from either the boredom of teenage life or the disappointments.

Even as much as I hoped for that it never came at the time my younger brother and I had no inclination as to why only that it would not be so. Moving on, my interactions with ‘J” would be less and less until seemingly just like a cloud of smoke dissipates and everything before it is now gone so was my brother…gone. Here and there he’d resurface with random hello’s, wedding invites, news about relocation, or job updates but just as quick as my father made us privy to those things yet again we wouldn’t hear anything. A week before college graduation I got a phone call surprisingly on the other end was J congratulating me and some other small talk I no longer remember as I was just in awe he called. Calling for me meant he’d made an effort, a REAL attempt to get in contact with me and it brought the biggest smile to my face. After that just like an illusion…gone again and this time for years.

A few years ago I found him through good old social media and though I was happy about finding him I wondered if was too late to find enough commonalities to bond but I had to try. In my heart there was still a desire to give this bond a try even if we had to build it from scratch. It took us 3 years after us reuniting to come together including our father and families and have dinner. I was concerned about probable past underlying tensions but it was a success and I left the dinner feeling genuinely excited about our future relationship. We planned, we chatted, but it’s always been via social media. I have to admit I am HORRIBLE at social calls by phone but I’m a text messaging, emailing, chatting fool (smile), mix that with a man crunching numbers by day and doing beautiful photography by night and traveling every other weekend and you’ve made the concoction that’s our “relationship” if you can call it that. Let’s just say it’s what has continued from the day after the dinner to this one…unfortunately. At times it’s a bummer but if this means we communicate at some kind if irregular pace besides not communicating at all I’ll take it, and only because he’s my FAMILY and you don’t give up on family and we have already lost so much time as it is. Just when I came to terms with that fact J tells me he has begun a photography business (he really is dope) but  its in France and he will be moving there soon. After all of our missed meetup(s), hangouts, and even phone conversations…after all of my stretching to accept the state of our relationship…after already missing 15+ years of relationship building (ie: the normal sibling stuff) and my acceptance of it all (perhaps his ability to accept having to grow off of what we have as well).

Needless to say I was torn, happy for his new success yet a bit destroyed because we both live in Chicago if I neglected to mention that so we’re basically in each other’s backyard and have managed to see each other since reuniting in 2009 only once and now he will be halfway around the globe??? How’s a sister to compete with that? Some of my more fabulous friends would say looks like you need to get your passport in order and others my subscribe to my more humbled ideology that its highly unlikely I will get to visit him there…

Update: I began this post back in April and since then it has been a work in progress getting it all out. My brother J and I emailed not long ago an I personally felt like I got to know more about him and him about me than before. I took away a bit of the sadness about his move and I even found out its been pushed back until July. I’m going to have to do some kind of impromptu drop-by visit to ensure I see him before his departure but its something I’m looking forward to.


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